I Remember

Students who participated in the Enlightium Academy Creative Writing contest had the chance to see their submissions published through Spotlight. Please enjoy these selections from students aged elementary through high school.

Hello. I thought you had forgotten me. Oh, I’ll never forget you. I couldn’t if I tried. I’ll always remember. I remember the hours talking. Simply hearing your voice made me smile. I remember the hours texting. I jumped to respond whenever my phone buzzed. I remember how you always made me laugh. Even on my worst day, I remember how even the mere thought of you made me smile. I remember how you were always there for me. Well, at least you said you were.

I remember. I remember days crying. It was weeks. It was months. I remember waking up with puffy eyes every morning. It was normal then. I remember the months with no response. It was all one-sided conversations. I remember how the mere thought of you made me cry. I remember how you said you’d always be there for me. Well, you’re gone now.

I see you in everything. Ghosts of you follow me wherever I go. I see you in the car. I remember you hit me in the head with a plastic water bottle. I see you when we drive by a gym. You told me that was where you worked out. I see you in my art. Oh, how you showered me in compliments. I see you when I run. You always ran next to me, pushing me to go faster. This is where I remember being introduced to you. Oh, how I looked up to you! You were always faster, stronger, smarter, better than me. Your ghost haunts me. I see you smiling and laughing. I can’t. I can’t smile, and I can’t laugh. Those only lead me back to your ghost.

Oh, I should have known. I should have known. I should have known something so good wasn’t true. I should have seen through you. I should have seen the lies. I learned of the three blindfolds: love, bias, and desperation, but I learned them much too late.

Why did you leave me? No response for days became a week and then a month. I knew you were alive. You posted on social media. Why couldn’t you respond? You wouldn’t. Why? After you told me you were my best friend, why did you leave me? Why? After telling me you didn’t know what you would do without me, why did you leave me? I never could have imagined how much you could hurt me. No, that’s wrong. I never could have imagined how much I allowed you to hurt me.

The wind pulls me, trying to tug me off my path. No, this won’t affect me. I can handle a mere person. That’s all you are. I have plenty of other friends. You can’t affect me. People ask me if I’m okay and I tell them I am even though I am teetering on the ledge of a cliff. The wind tells me all I have to do is let go. I won’t have to worry about anything. It’ll all disappear. With a caress of my face, it whispers to me how alone I am. It tells me that without you, I am nothing and without you, I have no friends. I fight it. I can do this. I can, and I will! I can only struggle against the omnipotent for so long.

I remember. I remember promising myself I’d get better. I remember trying to forget, trying to forgive, trying to move on. I remember telling myself it was a phase. I could get over it. I would! I would! I would overcome it! I remember crashing. I fell. I fell so hard. I remember realizing I couldn’t. I can’t. Let me go. Please.

I close my eyes and embrace the wind’s open arms. Falling is easier than fighting. I let go. Shh, shh, whispers the wind. My body obediently does what it is told to do, but my mind is gone. As I fall, I see flickers of current life. I see school, I see family, and I see friends. Though I don’t see you in person, my mind still dreams of you even though I beg it not to. I can still see you. I don’t want to see you. Go away! Leave me alone! Let me go. All I can see is you smiling, laughing. I clasp my hands over my mouth to keep from sobbing. Hush, hush, says the wind. I can’t breathe. Hush, hush. Let me go. Shh, shh. Please. Shh.

Thud! The wind can only carry me down so far. Even it abandoned me. This is okay though. I can stay here. I curl up against the cold, stone ground and will my mind not to think.
Out of nowhere I feel a sudden wave of disgust. The way you treated me makes me feel so nauseous I almost vomit. Is this what you do to all your “friends”? Do you make them believe you love them only to desert them? Why did I ever let you hurt me? You’re not worth that. I am so much better than that! For the first time in weeks I can feel hope again. The sun is shining on my face. I float, I fly, I rise filled with joy. I feel so light, so free, so incredibly happy! I’m doing it! I’m finally doing it! I pick myself up off the rocks. I fly up, higher and higher.
I close my eyes and a simple memory plays in the darkness. I see you. I see your face. You’re smiling. You look so beautiful and happy. Your arms open wide to embrace me. I smile and open my arms and reach to embrace you, but all I feel is air. I open my eyes. I am alone. My ascent has stopped. I plummet.

I wail, not out of fear, but because my happiness keeps being stolen from me. Shh, shh, says the wind, reminding me how right it was. Ah, it sighs. It tells me that no one loves me. It tells me I’m alone, and this time, I believe it. Shh, shh. I scream over it. I fall back onto the stone and shatter into a million fragments.

You were my sun and my world revolved around you and only you. With no sun, there is no light. Darkness is the only thing that can exist. I am blind to the world around me, but I don’t think about that. I just want my sun back. I shake. I feel so weak. I want something that I’ll never be able to have. I just want my sun back. I want my only sunshine who makes me happy when skies are grey. There is no sun. The skies are always grey. There can be no happiness.

They shouldn’t be allowed to be happy. People walk around smiling, laughing. They are excited by their favorite foods, or when they see a cute dog being taken for a walk. How do they do it? How do they manage to not fall into the abyss I’ve fallen into? They make stupid jokes and tell funny stories. They laugh. Their friends laugh. I don’t understand how anyone could be happy.

Piece by piece, I collect my shattered self. I try to put myself back together, but the pieces won’t fit. The mold they once filled in has changed. I begin piecing myself back together, not as I once was, but how I feel now. I am broken, but I have learned. Yes, you were my sun, but that doesn’t mean there can be no light. I can create my own light. It’s hard at first. I don’t know how to create a light out of darkness. Matches go out and lighters flicker and disappear. It takes me a long time to realize that I don’t need a light. I am my own light.

Then you came back. I remember you apologized for days before I came back. Oh, I still came back too fast. I was so naïve. I remember you said you had changed, and I believed you. I remember you said you’d stay, and I believed you. I remember you made false promises like before, but I thought you had changed. I should have known. I should have known.

This time, I learn. I detach myself from you. I build a wall around myself. No one may ever come through again. It is higher than my pain was in those days. It is thicker than my head was in those days. It is deeper than my anger and frustration was in those days. Here I stay, isolated and protected. Here I stay, solitary ruler of silence. Here I stay, far from you.

Though the pain has dulled, there are still times where I nearly fall apart. I still see you. I see you in many things, but it fades. It comes and goes in waves. At times, the wind pulls so hard, I think it might tug me over. Memories are the only thing that keep me rooted to reality. I remember. I remember what happened last time. I know now not to give in. I know I am stronger now. At least, now I know. I know I shouldn’t have fallen for you. I know I shouldn’t have come back to you. I know I should never pour myself into another person again. At least now I know. At least now I know to keep to myself because I’m the only one who will never leave myself. At least now I know. I know. That knowledge came from you. You gave me so much pain, and with it, knowledge.

Though I’m up and down, the divots in my downs are shallowing and the rises in my ups are increasing. I’m doing it. I really am. You put me through so much. It was a pain that wouldn’t leave me. It was a pain that pressed my shoulders forward and my head down. It was a pain that squeezed my chest, making it feel like I’d never be able to take a deep breath again. Still, I thank you. Why? I learned. I learned so much. I thank you for teaching me. I’ll remember your teachings. Thank you. I’ll remember.

I remember. After all this time, I remember. I remember as if it was yesterday. There is a part of my heart that may never fully heal. I remember. Knowledge is power, and you gave me knowledge, so I thank you for the power. Because I am wiser now, I must answer no to your question. I’m never coming back to you. I remember.