Beards: For and Against

For Beards

Author: Aaron M., Maryland

There are a number of things that are essential to healthy and successful living, but in Spokane, the beard is of the utmost importance to a life worth living! Even local author and Spokane native, Brianna Johnson, agrees. Johnson states, “In my book, of all of the topics I covered, it was agreed by just about everyone that I encountered that the beard was the linchpin for success in this town” (72).

The beard has many uses here in Spokane. If you have one that is thick enough, it can be used as a support to take a nap on. It can also be used to catch any coffee that may be dripping and trying to escape. If your beard is full enough, it can be used as a place to hang Christmas decorations when you attend the numerous Christmas parties in Spokane during the holiday season. Even in warmer weather, it can be useful. The beard can be used to wash your car or even as a nest for birds if they are so inclined.

In Spokane, beards are also seen as a symbol of power and wisdom. The bigger the beard, the wiser you are, though that is not always true! If you are interested, there are also several very exclusive clubs for those with beards. If you join one of these, it will add to your status in the community. 

Author: Makayla G., Louisiana

Believe it or not, some women can actually grow facial hair. It is linked to increased production of testosterone. This genetic mutation is believed to have been passed down from ancient nomadic tribes who lived in frigid climates. P.T Barnum had the famous “Bearded Lady” as one of his attractions. Her DNA was tested by Ancestry.com, and they found her ancestors buried in the Arctic circle. Recently, a journal article was published by Brianne Johnson, the fourth great-granddaughter of the infamous bearded lady, Josephine Clofullia. Brianne inherited the gene and is quite the expert on beard grooming and styling techniques. In her recently published article “So You Want to Shave Your Beard,” she teaches people ways to improve the look of their facial hair.

Brianne is quoted in her article as saying,

“Having a beard is like having a child. One doesn’t simply give birth and think that the job is done. Having and keeping facial hair is a lifetime commitment. It takes love, compassion, and patience, and time. If you want the perfect child, you must nurture, and train this child or it will go willy-nilly into the wind. The same logic applies to growing a beard. The hair must be nurtured and trained if they are to be maintained” (Johnson 37).

Against Beards

Author: Madelyn D., Arizona

It’s a romantic Saturday evening. You are out to dinner with a very pretty girl, one whom you have been admiring since the first day of Junior year. It took you at least 100 times practicing in front of stuffed animals to build up the courage for you to ask her out. You pay for both meals and get in your car to drive her home. Once you arrive at her house, she does not move. You lean in to kiss her, only for her to get out of the car and say that your beard is full of spaghetti sauce. You look in the rearview mirror and see that the stubble you carefully groomed before the date is full of the red stuff. Embarrassed, you drive home wondering, “How could my beard do this to me?” A solution would be to shave your beard so an event like this will not happen again.

Author: Charity S., Kansas

Imagine walking down the street, needing directions, but not knowing who to ask.  Don’t worry, there is a wise-looking old man sitting on a bench. But as it turns out, the man who looked at least eighty is only fifteen: a teenager who decided to grow facial hair.  This situation happens all too often, and unfortunately, is encouraged by a large number of people. Brianne Johnson touches on this very serious subject saying “Beards have become the new drug, people are growing beards left and right, women, men, even children, and it sickens me!” (36). Beards are becoming a problem, a problem that needs to be stopped, whether it’s because they are messy, unsafe, or simply unattractive.

Author: Ariana L., California

Shaving your beard is the best option. First of all, getting things caught in a beard can be a pain. Food, toys, homework, important papers, and plants can all get caught in your beard, making it hard to work at school or at a job. “One man, John Hare, lost his job, due to losing his business papers in his beard” (Johnson 39). Beards can also be caught on trees, leaving the owner of the beard stuck and unable to go about their day. Secondly, beards can be tripping hazards, causing bruises and scrapes, or causing other people to trip and get those bruises or scrapes.